We’ve all heard that old cliché about assumption right? Many of us have heard it so often that we joke about it without really thinking about what it really means: Ass-U-Me. Yes… when we assume a lot of times it makes an ass out of you and me, but I often think about what assumptions do to us on a personal level.
I’d be willing to bet that every single one of us has had that moment when we got a message like, “the boss wants to see you in their office at the end of your shift.” Our heart drops into our stomach and we can barely function for the rest of the day because all we can do is “assume” that we must have done something wrong. At the end of the shift we reluctantly go to the office door and knock, are invited in, take a seat and hear something like, “you have been doing an incredible job and I just wanted you to know we are considering you for a promotion.”
What the heck! You mean, I had my stomach in a knot for 8 hours for no reason at all?
This is just one of thousands of scenarios in which we assumed something that wasn’t even true and ended up causing ourselves incredible stress for no reason. We do similar things with family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers. “So-and-so looked at me the wrong way so they must be mad at me.” “The gift I received from Gloria wasn’t what I expected so they must not like the gifts I’m giving them.” “Sally didn’t say hi to me today and she always does, what did I do wrong?” “My neighbor used to bring the paper to my door every day and now they don’t, they must be angry with me about something.” The list is endless, isn’t it?
I used to be really, really, REALLY bad about making assumptions. My assumptive attitude left me feeling paranoid and un-liked most of the time and drove me nuts. I recognized it after many years of misery and finally figured out a few things that helped me almost completely get rid of it. Here are the things I do to alleviate assuming the worst about everything and everyone:
Communication! This is probably one of the most important things of all. If someone looks at you the wrong way, don’t instantly “assume” they are mad at you. If you know them, take just a minute, and ask, “is everything okay?” Sometimes just a simple question like that can reveal massive amounts of information that can give us an opportunity to be helpful. If they say everything is great, just move on and remember that not everyone will share with us what is going on in their lives, but *do not* assume it’s because of you. Move on. Let it go. If their funk was because of you, they would most likely have told you when you asked.
Not caring if everyone in the world likes you! We cannot force people to like us. Even if we believe we are one of the kindest persons on the planet, there are always going to be people who don’t like us for “whatever”. Let it go. We can survive without them. In fact, who among us even wants to be around people who we know don’t like us? It’s not worth it. Move on.
Stop reading between the lines! One of the worst things we can do when reading a letter, email, or blog is to “assume” what the author meant and take it personally. This is a tough one sometimes. Oftentimes when we read between the lines it is our *own* conviction that makes us assume the writer was pointing something out about us. If the writer didn’t call us out by name, we *cannot* assume they were pointing us out personally for something. If we need clarity… I refer back to the communication tip: Just ask! Many times we find that the author/writer of the note was only speaking generally and wasn’t at all pointing something out to us personally.
Think the best first until you find out the worst! In my workplace scenario at the beginning, the employee instantly started thinking the worst. Rationally think about the request. “Well, the boss didn’t say they needed to speak with me right this minute, so if it was something bad that needed to be addressed, surely they would want to see me right now, not at the end of my shift.” Try to turn those kinds of requests into something positive. The fact remains that we really don’t know what the person is going to say until we meet with them right? If things are negative, 99 percent of the time the issue will be addressed right away. I’ve found that it’s very rare for someone to wait for a whole day or longer to share something negative. (There’s always exceptions of course… especially in relationships… you know the, “we need to talk” phrase).
I could continue with many more examples, but I work hard to try and make my point in 2 pages or less and be respectful of your time.
The way I see it, our society is in turmoil. The last 3 years have done a horrible number on all of us. There is incredible healing that needs to take place, and “assuming” must be dealt with as soon as possible. Those of you who were kind enough to read my holiday post can probably deduce that I did a bit of assuming there didn’t I? I made a judgment call about my new neighbors from day one, assuming they were not going to be nice people, only to find out that they are lovely people. Not perfect, but neither am I.
The old cliché about the word “assume” is true. But I think it would be more accurate to say that more times than not, when we make assumptions it really only makes an ass out of ourselves and causes, stress, loneliness, turmoil, hatred, and paranoia.
Let this new year be the year that we decide to stop assuming the worst about our friends, families, neighbors and coworkers and let’s start communicating again. What a grand year 2023 would be if we would all just take that brief moment to ask, “hey, is everything going okay?” Instead of walking around this world thinking everyone we know is mad about us for something.
I too used to assume the worst about people. Assuming the worst and paranoia did not a happy Rob make. However, pleased to say that these days, I always try to assume that only good things were intended , and more often than not I'm right. Unfortunately, this only works in close, personal situations; as much as I try to assume the best of the bastards that have been running this shit show, its just not possible. But I do assume that I'll be OK in the end, whatever happens, there's not point in being negative about it all, though it is s truggle sometimes.
Good post, good advice, good words.
I loved that post about your neighbors... I told you, it got me all teary! Quite a beautiful bit of writing, yeah.
You're right, of course... We don't NEED any more negative crap that we've already GOT!!! Cheers, and HNY. :)